3
© 1994 Neil Katz & Kevin McNulty
comfort level of the other person. Some experimentation is usually necessary before two
people discover the most comfortable distance between themselves.
Gestures: A great deal is communicate by body movements. If you become fidgety,
drum your fingers, cross your arms, or sneak glances at your watch while listening, you
may be conveying an unintended message to the other person. The key is to only use
gestures consistent with what is being communicated.
Environment: The environment, or setting, should support the communication. A Space
which promotes privacy for undisturbed conversations is essential. Consider removing
barriers between yourself and the person you are listening to (such as a large table that
comes between you, a car door you might be leaning on, or a crowd that happens to
surround you at the moment). If that is not possible, choose an alternate space or a more
appropriate time to communicate.
Interested Silence: A period of active, attentive silence serves as a gentle nudge to the
other to move deeper into the conversation. It allows the other time to think and reflect
and then comfortably proceed at his or her own pace. The speaker may pause and you,
the listener, can attend without having to say anything. Giving the speaker time to
experience and explore the feelings that churn up from within often enables him or her to
explore their feelings at a deeper level. Silence is particularly useful in situations of loss
or grief, such as the death of a loved one or a significant personal loss. Appropriate
silence is useful in helping the other talk about a difficult problem.
The primary message in attending is that both your physical presence and what you say matter.
Always adjust the intensity of your attending to the other’s level of comfort. Keep focus on the
other in attending and responding.
Keep in mind that these generalizations about attending are only true in our culture. If what you
do when you are attending doesn’t seem to be comfortable for the other, then vary your behavior
until it achieves the response you desire. In general, take your cues from the speaker. If he or
she seems to want to be face-to-face with full eye contact, do your best to maintain it. If sitting
side-by-side is more comfortable for the other, arrange to do that instead. The easiest route to
good attending is to be as empathetic as you are able and then attend and maintain rapport with
them. The message, “I am attending” will be communicated.
Reflecting Skills
Reflecting skills are the “checking out” process. In responding to the other you are expressing
the essence of both the content and the feeling the other has communicated to you. As the
listener, your response is short, succinct, and stated in your own words. It is important to check
out and verify your accurate perception of small segments of another person’s communication.
Each small segment captures a thought, feeling, or meaning, or several of these that fit together
with a theme or are connected in some specific way. In reflective listening you will listen to a